Oldest Child Syndrome

My little sister is engaged!!  She's getting married!  

I'm really excited for her.  It's crazy to believe.  Not hard to believe.  Just crazy.  We all knew it was going to happen soon.  Now it has and I'm really looking forward to helping her get everything planned for the big day.  

I like her fiancee.  I think he's a good guy.  He loves Linda and makes her happy.  That's what matters.

Now, I don't want to make this a post about me but I need to vent.  I've always been the subject of ridicule in my family.  There is always something to make fun of me about.  Whether it's my nerdiness in school, my lack of a social life, my flat chest, my height, having no friends, ex-boyfriends, my social awkwardness, my love for reading, or my single life.  I try my best at taking it like a champ.  Sometimes I do great and sometimes I don't.  Tonight was one of those not so good times.

Everyone has always "joked" that Linda will get married before me.  It's always been expected.  I've never had a problem with that and it doesn't hurt my feelings.  I have learned to expect marriage jokes on my behalf.  I often get told by everyone-aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents included-that I'm never going to get married.  I know that at every family event I attend, that phrase will come out of someone's mouth.  And that's okay.  But sometimes I take it really hard.  Sometimes it comes out not as a joke but as a truth each person has already accepted.  It's as if they've lost hope that I will ever find someone who will want to be with me.  It's not a joke to them, even when they say it is.  No one ever says they know I'll get married.  That part only comes up when I get upset.  And I feel they say it because they feel bad that I've gotten upset.

The only person I could trust not to say a joke like that was my dad.  My dad has always been my number one supporter in this whole marriage ordeal.  He's always been the one to have my back and tell me that it will happen when the time is right.  But tonight, he cracked the joke.  And for the first time ever, I believed it.  If my dad believes it now, there must be some truth to it.  Right?

I've learned something.  I've learned that jokes come from small fleeting thoughts.  Some jokes even come from truths.  Apparently, everyone in my family has had the same thought.  That I will never get married.  And that is what hurts my feelings.  Not the jokes.  What hurts is the fact that when they start talking about marriage the first thing they say is that it will never happen to me.  When they look me in the eyes I can already see that they feel sorry for me.  I see the pity on their face and it makes me want to punch them each in the nose.

I don't need their pity.  I don't want their pity.  What I want is for them to have faith and hope that I can get married.  That I am worthy of someones love and that I am capable of loving someone in return.  Because I don't feel like they believe any of that is possible for me.

My sister is engaged and I knew it was going to happen.  I know that I have a long road ahead of me full of jokes and questions about this subject.  It's only natural when the younger sister gets married before the older one.  Lucky me! 

But really, I am blessed to be single at this time in my life.  The First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles have spoken to the young single adults of the church and have told them how lucky we are to have these great opportunities before us.  Many young single adults serve in capacities that married couples can't, especially when they have children.  Young single adults are in a stage of life where they can reach out and help build others up.  

One of my favorite talks is by President Ezra Taft Benson.  He gave it to the young single adult sisters of the church in October 1988.  Here are some of the things he says,

"Single adult sisters throughout the church, I want you to know of my deep love and appreciation for you-for your goodness, for your faithfulness, for your desire to serve the Lord with all your heart 'that Christ's true light through [you] will shine..., his name to glorify.'

We see so many of you living Christlike lives worthy of emulation and giving such dedicated service  in the Church.

We see wise bishops and stake presidents calling you single adult sisters to leadership responsibilities in wards and stakes.  We see you in the presidencies of Relief Society, Young Women, and Primary organizations, where your talents and abilities are being fully utilized.  We see you as a vital part of the mainstream body of the Church.  We pray that the emphasis we naturally place on families will not make you feel less needed or less valuable to the Lord or to His Church.  The sacred bonds of Church membership go far beyond marital status, age, or present circumstance.  Your individual worth as a daughter of God transcends all.  

I also recognize that not all women in the Church will have an opportunity for marriage and motherhood in mortality.  But if those of you in this situation are worthy and endure faithfully, you can be assured of all blessings from a kind and loving Heavenly Father-and I emphasize all blessings.  I assure you that if you have to wait even until the next life to be blessed with a choice companion, God will surely compensate you.  Time is numbered only to man.  God has your eternal perspective in mind.  

Realize your personal self-worth.  Never demean yourself.  Realize the strength of your inner self and that, with God's help, you can 'do all things through Christ which strengtheneth [you].' )Philippians 4:1.)  Life does not begin only upon marriage.  There are important things for you to do right now."  

My family, especially my brother, would do well reading this talk. 

Reflection

I've had a hard time starting this post.  Nothing I write feels right. 

Last night I learned that someone I went to high school with committed suicide a few weeks ago.  It broke my heart. 

Brad grew up on the other side of the street in our neighborhood.  He was never my friend.  He would hang out with my brothers, sometimes playing baseball in the grass field by the mailboxes.  Brad was weird.  He didn't have fine features.  He walked funny and he wasn't very smart.  He wasn't the type of person I associated with.  

As I heard the news last night I cried.  I cried for him, for his family, and the missed opportunities.  My heart aches knowing I could have done more but never did.  I could have been nicer.  I could have invited him to church.  I could have smiled more.  I could have said hi more often.  Simply, I could have acknowledged his existence in this life.  But I didn't.  I didn't.  And it breaks my heart to think that Brad had no one to turn to when his heart was aching.  

I know it's not my fault this happened.  I don't have any idea of the things going on in Brad's life.  We've been out of high school coming up on 10 years now and I can't even tell you when I saw him last.  In fact, I don't know that I could recognize Brad if he was walking down the street today.  I know life happens and everyone goes their separate ways.  I believe God doesn't expect us to stay in contact with every person we meet during our lifetime.  It's just not possible.  But I believe God expects us to see people the way He sees them.  

Last night was hard for me.  Not because I lost a good friend.  It was hard for me because some day, I will stand before God and I will be judged by the works I did here on this earth.  I will see all of the times I ignored Brad.  I will see all of the times I had condescending remarks to say about him. There will not be one scene in which I treated him the way the Savior would have.  Brad left this earth thinking that I could not care less about him.  He was probably right and that hurts my heart.  Perhaps in the end it wouldn't have made a difference.  I don't know.

We often underestimate the power our words and actions can have in other people.  We think that the way we act affects only us or those close around us.  In reality, our words and actions can leave profound and lasting effects in everyone we come in contact with.  Even those we meet for a brief second in time.

I love the quote attributed to Maya Angelou, an African American civil rights activist.  She says, "People will forget what you said.  People will forget what you did.  But people will never forget how you made them feel."

As I've reflected on my interaction with Brad, I've been sorrowful.  I can't turn back time and change what occurred.  Brad is gone now.  A life taken too early.  I know some day I will see him again.  When I do, I hope to apologize for what I didn't do.  

I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knew that I would fail miserably.  He knew I would be mean and prideful.  He knew I would succumb to the natural man.  But he loved me enough to provide a way for me to overcome all of that.  He provided the ability for me to repent-to start over, to try and be a better person.  He gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another being.  He gave me the gift of a Savior-Jesus Christ.  It is through Him that all things will be made right.  Jesus Christ atoned for my sins and Brad's sins.  Jesus Christ can heal our hearts-in whatever state they may be.  He can make them whole.  He has the power to erase my failures.  I know it.  I love Jesus Christ.  I love Heavenly Father.  I know they are real.  I know they care.  I know their heart aches when we choose to turn away from them.  We are important to them.  They love us and will always be there for us.  They will be there to help us find our way when we are lost.  They want us to return to their presence and we can when we obey them and trust in them.  Hope is not lost.  Hope will always be there because of Jesus Christ.

I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love Brad.  I know they understood what was in his heart when he made the decision to end his life.  I know they know my heart too.

I've been thinking lately about this past year.  My word of the year was courage.  Well, I think I did pretty okay.  I'll write that blog post soon.  I just wanted to say that hearing of Brad's suicide helped me decide on my word for next year.  I'll post that soon as well. 

Work Christmas Party-An Averted Disaster

Last week, as in the first week in December, my work handed me an invitation to our department Christmas party.  I assumed my roommate would come with me.  That assumption stuck until I got to know my co-workers a little better.  All of them, I mean ALL of them have a significant other.  Some are married and some are dating but not one is single.

So of course I got it in my head that I needed to bring a date.  Currently, I have nobody I want to go on a date with so I kept putting it off.  All I wanted was to take someone that wouldn't make a big deal out of it.  Someone who I would have a good time with.  I wanted my go to guy.

But I couldn't.  You see, he now has a girlfriend.  A real, life girlfriend. 

That brings us to the day of the party.  I still didn't have a date.  The night before I had called one of my guy friends to come.  He called me that morning and said he couldn't.  I literally called every guy I could think of in my phone and no one was available.  I called the girls too and still none could come.  I didn't think it would be that hard to find a date.  

By the time I left work at 4:15ish, I had given up hope of finding anyone to go with.  The party started at six and time was not in my favor.  On the drive home I got a call from one of the guys I called.  He said that if I still hadn't found a date he had one for me.  I felt stupid and told him not to worry about it, that I was planning to go by myself.  But this friend is persistent so I have him text me the guy's number just in case I decide to take him up on the offer.

30 minutes before six and perhaps after a small intense conversation with myself I called Andrew.  He was so kind and willing to go with me.  I felt pretty proud of myself too for being brave enough to ask him.  He was a great date and I had a fun time.

He even won a $25 visa gift card.  Karma for the good deed he did.

**I should probably add, that I am super happy for my "go to guy".  It really is about time he went on a second date and experienced what it's like to have a girlfriend to hold hands with and kiss.  :)**

Devotionals and Concerts

Last Sunday I attended the First Presidency Christmas Devotional.  This will be my fourth consecutive year attending.  For the last two years, we've made it a date.  I wanted to do the same this year but Marianne was going out of town and I'm still getting to know my other roommate.  I just moved back and there really wasn't anyone I cared to ask.  So instead I shared my tickets with the Hales.  Although, my friend Brett did come with me.

Attending the Devotional is what starts the Christmas season.  At least in my eyes.  It always happens the first Sunday in December and is a great reminder of why we celebrate Christmas.

Then on Friday I went to the Eclipse concert with Jill, Cressie, Jessica, and Kayla.  They are talented.

Saturday I went to the Mormon Tabernacle Christmas Concert.  My goodness.  It was incredible.   I haven't ever been a fan of the Sesame Street Characters but I got chills when they all came out.  It really was magical.  

These fun activities are some of the reasons why I love Utah.  You don't get to attend events such as these in Arizona.

Home is where your heart is.  That's what people say.  My home, my heart loves Utah.  This place is my home.  I love it here.  And although my family lives in Arizona, I have come to realize that they are the only reason why I go back.

You don't get this spirit in Arizona.  The spirit of family, the spirit of friendship, the spirit of service, and acceptance.  People here are kinder.

I'm a Guatemalan born, Arizona raised, Utahan at heart girl.

BTW, I have a huuuuuuuge crush on Santino Fontana.  He was the other special guest at the MoTab concert.  He can sing me to sleep anytime.  

Festival of Trees

For the past three years, not including this one, I have volunteered at Festival of Trees.

What is Festival of Trees?  I'm glad you asked.

Short version:  An event put on by amazing women to help raise money for Primary Children's Hospital.  Over 700 trees are decorated, donated, and sold.  It doesn't just stop at trees.  There is a gift boutique featuring handmade articles, food-scones, candies, sweet rolls, etc., live entertainment, gingerbread houses, centerpieces, activities for children, and even a santa!  EVERY single penny raised goes to the hospital.  That's what makes it so amazing.  Go here for more information: Festival of Trees.  

I don't remember how I got started.  All I know, is that I look forward to the two days of the year I can spend at this place.  It's the best way to kick off the holiday season.  

Most of the trees donated have a story.  Friends/family members decorate a tree in memory of, in honor of, in behalf of someone who has either passed away, is in current medical treatment, in remission, or just because.  

I usually volunteer in the Large Trees section.  Some of those trees are spectacular.  The detail orientation is a sight to behold.  

I volunteered yesterday and will do so again tomorrow.  They always ask the volunteers to read the stories on the back so we can share them with the visitors.  I read a few stories.  Several that made me cry.

The first story was about a young man who passed away at the age of 22.  The tree had a Nemo theme.  "Just Keep Swimming"  This young man was a swimmer.  He competed in high school and earned many medals.  He left on a two year Spanish speaking mission to New York.  He was out 16 months when he started to get sick.  After several doctor visits and tests, not getting any better he came home at the 20 month mark. He was soon diagnosed with Hodgkin Lymphoma.  They started chemotherapy and it didn't seem to work.  The next option was a bone marrow transplant.  They tested his family and the only match was his 10 year old brother.  The transplant seemed a success for a few days but unfortunately did not last.  Three weeks later this young man passed away.  

The next tree had a Frozen theme.  Jessica was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia shortly after she was born.  Her older sister learned to take care of her at an early age.  In fact, she says that by age 6 she could train all of the new nurses who came to take care of her younger sister.  The doctors said Jessica wouldn't live past the age of 6.  Jessica fought a brave battle but ultimately, cancer won the only round it can-the one here on earth.  She lived to a few days shy of her 7th birthday.  When Jessica's older sister saw the movie Frozen for the first time, she thought of her sister.  She knew the relationship Anna and Elsa shared was one she would have shared with Jessica.

There was a Willy Wonka themed tree in honor of a mother who passed away earlier this year.

Another tree themed with horses in a stable was for a 10 year old girl.

And another for a little girl named Braelyn who was also diagnosed with cancer.  Fortunately, this little girl is in remission.  She will be in remission treatment until 2016 and she has a high chance of staying in remission.    

A tree decorated in behalf of a young Syrian refugee who was shot and paralyzed as she was fleeing her native country.

A beautiful white tree for a teacher who inspired students to read.

An artist who shared her talent at a young age with everyone and taught her nieces and nephews to love art.  

So many trees.  So many stories.  One opportunity to take time out of my life and ponder on the meaning of Christmas.  Alma so eloquently puts it, 

"The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul;

yea, and every limb and joint shall be restored to its body; 

yea, even a hair of their head shall not be lost; but all things 

shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame." Alma 40:23

What a wonderful promise given to us by a loving Heavenly Father and Savior.

All possible because a boy, a perfect baby boy, was born in a lowly manger.  The greatest gift given to us.  Jesus is the Christ.  He is the Savior of the World.  He is Christmas.