Reflection

I've had a hard time starting this post.  Nothing I write feels right. 

Last night I learned that someone I went to high school with committed suicide a few weeks ago.  It broke my heart. 

Brad grew up on the other side of the street in our neighborhood.  He was never my friend.  He would hang out with my brothers, sometimes playing baseball in the grass field by the mailboxes.  Brad was weird.  He didn't have fine features.  He walked funny and he wasn't very smart.  He wasn't the type of person I associated with.  

As I heard the news last night I cried.  I cried for him, for his family, and the missed opportunities.  My heart aches knowing I could have done more but never did.  I could have been nicer.  I could have invited him to church.  I could have smiled more.  I could have said hi more often.  Simply, I could have acknowledged his existence in this life.  But I didn't.  I didn't.  And it breaks my heart to think that Brad had no one to turn to when his heart was aching.  

I know it's not my fault this happened.  I don't have any idea of the things going on in Brad's life.  We've been out of high school coming up on 10 years now and I can't even tell you when I saw him last.  In fact, I don't know that I could recognize Brad if he was walking down the street today.  I know life happens and everyone goes their separate ways.  I believe God doesn't expect us to stay in contact with every person we meet during our lifetime.  It's just not possible.  But I believe God expects us to see people the way He sees them.  

Last night was hard for me.  Not because I lost a good friend.  It was hard for me because some day, I will stand before God and I will be judged by the works I did here on this earth.  I will see all of the times I ignored Brad.  I will see all of the times I had condescending remarks to say about him. There will not be one scene in which I treated him the way the Savior would have.  Brad left this earth thinking that I could not care less about him.  He was probably right and that hurts my heart.  Perhaps in the end it wouldn't have made a difference.  I don't know.

We often underestimate the power our words and actions can have in other people.  We think that the way we act affects only us or those close around us.  In reality, our words and actions can leave profound and lasting effects in everyone we come in contact with.  Even those we meet for a brief second in time.

I love the quote attributed to Maya Angelou, an African American civil rights activist.  She says, "People will forget what you said.  People will forget what you did.  But people will never forget how you made them feel."

As I've reflected on my interaction with Brad, I've been sorrowful.  I can't turn back time and change what occurred.  Brad is gone now.  A life taken too early.  I know some day I will see him again.  When I do, I hope to apologize for what I didn't do.  

I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knew that I would fail miserably.  He knew I would be mean and prideful.  He knew I would succumb to the natural man.  But he loved me enough to provide a way for me to overcome all of that.  He provided the ability for me to repent-to start over, to try and be a better person.  He gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another being.  He gave me the gift of a Savior-Jesus Christ.  It is through Him that all things will be made right.  Jesus Christ atoned for my sins and Brad's sins.  Jesus Christ can heal our hearts-in whatever state they may be.  He can make them whole.  He has the power to erase my failures.  I know it.  I love Jesus Christ.  I love Heavenly Father.  I know they are real.  I know they care.  I know their heart aches when we choose to turn away from them.  We are important to them.  They love us and will always be there for us.  They will be there to help us find our way when we are lost.  They want us to return to their presence and we can when we obey them and trust in them.  Hope is not lost.  Hope will always be there because of Jesus Christ.

I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love Brad.  I know they understood what was in his heart when he made the decision to end his life.  I know they know my heart too.

I've been thinking lately about this past year.  My word of the year was courage.  Well, I think I did pretty okay.  I'll write that blog post soon.  I just wanted to say that hearing of Brad's suicide helped me decide on my word for next year.  I'll post that soon as well.